by Philip Purser-Hallard
with amendments by Dan Smith and Nick Bull

[A Sunday night religious news programme. An INTERVIEWER with a clipboard, businesslike and a little hostile, and a BISHOP, smiling, benevolent and avuncular, sit in two serious-looking swivel chairs. There is some opening music, at the end of which the lights fade up.]

INTERVIEWER: [To camera] Hello. I'm Jasmine Frond. Tonight: The Archbishop of Canterbury admits he ordained gay priests – where now for the Church of England? To explain the Church's position, I have with me the Reverend Dennis Trumpton, Bishop of Lunchester. Bishop, good evening.

[Dan comments: Jasmine's establishing sentence can be replaced near the time with the latest topical fact about gay priests in the C of E – there's usually something recent. If not, it can just be “Anglican theologians continue to be divided about the issue of the ordination of gay men to the priesthood”.]

BISHOP: Good evening.

INTERVIEWER: Now, Bishop, you're one of the Church's more conservative Bishops, and a long term opponent of the ordination of women priests. Within your own diocese you pride yourself on never allowing women to be ordained to the priesthood.

BISHOP: That is correct, yes.

INTERVIEWER: And what are your reasons for this position?

BISHOP: Quite frankly, my diocese and I feel – and they're all entirely behind me in this matter, I can assure you – we feel quite frankly that this whole business of ordaining women is, well – so silly.

INTERVIEWER: Silly?

BISHOP: Well, yes. Quite frankly. I mean, isn't it? It is, isn't it? I mean, honestly.

INTERVIEWER: But Bishop, you have, within your diocese, ordained a number of women to the priesthood. The Reverend Leslie Hoop, for example. You ordained her in September of last year at the cathedral.

BISHOP: Ah yes, of course, the Reverend Hoop. Yes, I'm afraid that was rather a disgrace. You see, she cheated.

INTERVIEWER: Cheated?

BISHOP: Yes, you see, she looks exactly like a man. A rather large-chested man, certainly, but she's very masculine indeed. [Indicates his upper lip] Distinct moustache. And the name, you see – Leslie. Could be a man or a woman, you just can't tell. I mean, if I said to you, “Meet my friends Leslie and,” oh I don't know, “Chris,” you wouldn't have a clue, would you?

INTERVIEWER: Er...

BISHOP: Yes, I'm afraid she really wasn't playing fair – very sneaky, these women, you can't trust them an inch – present company excepted. But – and this is really a rather important point – it's actually all right, you see. Because she's a lesbian.

INTERVIEWER: I'm sorry, Bishop, you've lost me. Your position is that it's all right to ordain a woman if she's a lesbian?

BISHOP: Yes, that's right. You see, the main problem with women priests is that all the male parishioners find it difficult not to start... becoming tempted by them. Woman at the altar, don't you see, nice cassock, tight round the bust, fetching dog collar, perhaps a dab of lipstick – virtually irrestistible. Unfortunately. Adulterous thoughts, you see. It's a shame, but there it is.

INTERVIEWER: But Bishop –

BISHOP: Hmm?

INTERVIEWER: Surely the same problem applies with male priests?

BISHOP: I'm afraid I don't quite follow.

INTERVIEWER: Surely the women parishioners might find themselves – as you put it – tempted, by an attractive young male vicar or curate?

BISHOP: I'm sorry? Are you really suggesting – ?

INTERVIEWER: Well, yes.

BISHOP: A woman fancy a priest? Good heavens. Well, then, all I can say is they deserve all they get.

INTERVIEWER: ...I see. Well, then, moving on, Bishop, if we may –

BISHOP: Certainly we may. Quite certainly. [Shudders]

INTERVIEWER: We do have evidence of a number of other women, women who are known to be in long-term romantic relationships with persons of the masculine gender, who have also been ordained by you in the past.

BISHOP: I'm sorry, but I regard that as a nonsense.

INTERVIEWER: Then does the name of the Reverend Virginia Rampart not sound familiar at all to you?

BISHOP: Oh, Ginny. Yes, you see that was a personal favour. Betty and I were at school together.

INTERVIEWER: Were you.

BISHOP: At Eton.

INTERVIEWER: ...I beg your pardon?

BISHOP: And, what with legislation in our country being as it is, she is still legally a man, you see. Not a woman at all.

INTERVIEWER: Despite having both breasts and a vagina?

BISHOP: Despite having both of those... objects, yes. In the eyes of the law, the Reverend Rampart is still Victor “Chunky” Rampart, the scrum half of the Second XV. I still remember the things we used to get up to in the changing rooms at half time –

INTERVIEWER: [Hurriedly] Quite. [Referring to clipboard] What about the Reverend Dr Sophie Carthorse? Was she at Eton with you?

BISHOP: Carthorse Minor. The Donkey of the Upper Fifth, we called him.

INTERVIEWER: Archdeacon Hilary Twinkling?

BISHOP: Used to have the bed next to mine in the Lower Dorm.

INTERVIEWER: And these priests get away with being women in your eyes, simply because they used to be men?

BISHOP: Oh, yes. Well, except for Hilary, obviously.

INTERVIEWER: [Caught out by this] I'm sorry? But she's on the list – are you saying Hilary Twinkling is still a man?

BISHOP: Oh yes. Good old Twinkling.

INTERVIEWER: Then why is he down on my list as being a long-term cohabitee with a man called Boris?

BISHOP: Er... [Pause. His benevolent smile finally glazes over a little.] ...knickers.

INTERVIEWER: Perhaps this might be an opportune moment to move onto the subject of homosexual clergy. Now, Bishop, you have repeatedly told the press that you have never knowingly ordained a gay man.

BISHOP: No, that's right. Absolutely not. Not at all the done thing.

INTERVIEWER: And this is general Church of England policy, isn't it?

BISHOP: That's right. No poofters in the pulpits, that's our motto.

INTERVIEWER: But there's a catch in that word “knowingly”, isn't there. What if a prospective priest is gay and you don't know?

BISHOP: Ah, no, I don't think that's particularly likely to happen, is it? I mean, surely, if they are bent, then they'll tell us. If they don't then, well, it's hardly cricket, is it?

INTERVIEWER: But if a man did come to you for ordination, and you had reason to suspect he was gay, yet he hadn't actually informed you of it, would you ordain him?

BISHOP: Well, it's a question of trust, isn't it. If you were in my position, what would you consider proof positive that an outwardly pious Anglican ordinand was actually the most rampant shirt-lifter? An earring in the wrong ear? Lipstick? One of those little pencil moustaches? I mean it's ridiculous, you can't judge someone just by looking at them, can you? They'd need to actually proposition you for you to be sure.

INTERVIEWER: I see. Bishop, we have evidence that more than seventy per cent of the clergy ordained in your diocese during your tenure there have been practicing homosexuals.

[By some means a pie-chart is revealed, with about three-quarters of the pie highlighted and labelled SAUSAGE TASTERS.]

BISHOP: What? Oh, surely not – no, that can't be true at all – I mean, they all seemed like such decent chaps.

INTERVIEWER: What about the Reverend Gerald Cake?

BISHOP: Old Fairy? No, I can't believe that – Ah. [He tries to cover] No no, we call him “Fairy”, you see, because of his –

INTERVIEWER: Or the Reverend Dr William Backlash?

BISHOP: Billy Backlash? But he's married with children –

INTERVIEWER: He used to be a children's TV presenter.

BISHOP: – Oh, William Backlash. I thought you said, um, Jeremy Norris.

INTERVIEWER: I spoke to Reverend Norris last week. Is it God he worships, or Shirley Bassey? It's a bit difficult to tell.

BISHOP: Er, Bernard Crestfallen.

INTERVIEWER: Choirboys.

BISHOP: Hang on – Albert. The Reverend Canon Albert Renfrew. You can't tell me he's not heterosexual.

INTERVIEWER: No. No, that's very true. [To camera] Next week Canon Albert “Shagger” Renfrew begins his third canon law hearing for adultery. The incident is alleged to have happened at a christening, with two lady vergers and the baby's mother.

BISHOP: Well, quite. And then there's Simon Minos. Good family man.

INTERVIEWER: Who has said in a sermon that “All Anglicans should worship Satan because it really is so much more fun”.

BISHOP: Ah, well, I'm afraid I can't discuss the theological opinions of my subordinates. That's a matter for the conscience of the individual.

INTERVIEWER: Bishop Trumpton, is there a single priest in your diocese who is heterosexual, was born the sex they currently are, is relatively chaste and faithful, and believes in God?

BISHOP: Er...

INTERVIEWER: With the exception of your good self, of course.

BISHOP: Ah. Um, in that case, no, I think you're probably right.

INTERVIEWER: Dennis Trumpton, Bishop of Lunchester, thank you.

[Closing music. Fade]