Here lies Billy Joel Underton (1984-2011, 1947-1981) with his beloved wife Deborah (1925-2010). This monument erected by his son and father.

* * *

The Earth ambassador wore a dangling arrowhead of cloth, pointing at his genitals. I tried not to smirk as I farted the ceremonial greeting.

* * *

‘This the 1815 service to Waterloo – calling at Dunkirk in 1940, Ypres in 1915 and Strasbourg in 1870, before arriving at Waterloo in 1815.’

* * *

After careful analysis of human communications, Q’tx phrased hir initial contact in terms of weight loss and penis size. Oprah didn’t reply.

* * *

‘While the K’jax’th were away, we demolished their home planet and put in a new Dyson sphere. Let’s see what they think when they get back!’

* * *

The catastrophic increase in near-Earth asteroids on collision courses turned out to be attributable to the arrival of a cosmic poltergeist.

* * *

‘My story? Yeah, my wife and husband left me for another thremale. Hey babe, what are you and – oh, that guy over there, say – doing later?’

* * *

The colonists were flat-Earthers fleeing persecution for their beliefs. They made the transit blindfold, and settled on the Moon’s far side.

* * *

The Stipiri share certain biological habits with Earth's praying mantises. Their restaurant-brothels are best avoided by the casual tourist.

* * *

NATA’s temponauts spent several missions clearing up ambiguities in the Constitution. Meanwhile the Soviets were visiting Trotsky’s parents.

* * *

Most alien mind parasites thrive on hatred or fear. However, the English and Japanese are prone to awkward infestations of Embarrassmongers.

* * *

Our palaeontologists knew that sentient dinosaurs had preceded us to the stars. We hadn’t expected apes. We clatter our wing-cases, baffled.

* * *

The Hr’gr’t’v’ku lay the cultural groundwork for their invasion. On Earth, year’s pas’s. Apostrophe’s become ubiquitou’s a’s fallen leave’s.

* * *

‘Eric’s a small time thief – a successful one. Most people don’t miss a few minutes here or there, but it adds up to lifetimes in the bank.’

* * *

‘Xij have two cloacas: one for ordinary waste, one for toxins and corrosives. If a Xij calls you a right arse, it’s being very rude indeed.’

* * *

Upset that his horoscope fated him to be ‘credulous and excessive’, the Cosmic Emperor sent stellar reconstructors back in time to amend it.

* * *

‘Bad news: Mars is already inhabited. Good news: The Martians are moving to their own colony world. Bad news: Apparently there’s a chain...’

* * *

Since her species transcended their physical bodies, her morning caffeine fix really isn’t an option. She’s become a being of pure lethargy.

* * *

Thankfully, traditional stag-party ‘pranks’ – cloning the groom, altering his history, changing his sex – are no longer socially acceptable.

* * *

Across her scabbed hull, in bone cabins and blood-vessel corridors, her crew repel the pirates. Soon she will be rid of all these parasites.

* * *

‘Smyth is a man of strange habits. When he enters a darkened room he fumbles at one side of the door, tuts, then goes to light the lantern.’

* * *

‘Sorry I’m late – wormhole engineering works. They put us on a replacement sublight service. So, any messages for me in the last six years?’

* * *

A year in Faerie lasts a century on Earth – or in a hollowed asteroid in sublight flight. Fairy rings are cheaper than cryogenic suspension.

* * *

Avoiding Lady Emilia’s other houseguests lest they be unnerved by the asexual clone-budding of my species, I secreted myself in the library.

* * *

‘But Prof – if water kills these aliens...’
‘Why are they invading Earth? Mm. I think it‘s less a military operation than an extreme sport.’

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